I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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