she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
