I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
