the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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