What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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