OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
