you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ruined the universe
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
