I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
