True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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