Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize