dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
