I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize