don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
