and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
