Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
