i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
