My liver just broke up with me...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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