Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
