The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
