Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize