If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
