Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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