My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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