Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
