So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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