Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
