So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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