you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize