I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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