mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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