he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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