sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
