she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He has the fingertips of a God
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
