Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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