Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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