not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
