I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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