I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
