Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
