If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
