her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize