Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm gonna have a badass scar
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
