i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
