last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
