Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
