On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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