you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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