I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
