She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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