Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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