So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
