I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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