I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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