It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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