You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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