I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
