it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
