guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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