distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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