I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
