There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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