Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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