she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
