This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
