My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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