Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
